Burgh Ball

As the AP drily notes today, the Pittsburgh Pirates have "extended what has become the franchise's second-worst start since the 19th century" and "were dominated by one of the majors' least-effective starting pitchers," Florida's Brian Moehler, who took a shutout into the eighth inning despite not having won a game since last July.

Jim Tracy has been criticized for sticking with an ineffective lineup, and has responded by saying that he has few options to change. I don't think that's true, and I'll even put my money where my mouth is: here is what I believe would be a much improved starting lineup using the Pirates' current resources.



JACK WILSON
New spot: Leadoff
Old spot: Second

Tracy has said that it would be unfair to move Jack Wilson from the second spot, which he prepared for specifically & where he's found success. A fair point. Jack Wilson, if you're reading this, here is the key to making the change: Batting leadoff for the Pirates is exactly the same as batting second, except there's always one less out.



JASON BAY
New spot: Second
Old spot: Third or cleanup

Sure, Bay will knock in more runs from the third spot. But being that Bay is the one Pirates hitter worth watching, it's crucial to have Bay see as many at bats as possible, every game, so that we can watch him bat as much as possible, every game. At least until the end of 2009, after which point he'll be being paid $30 million to bat sixth for the Yankees.



TURNER WARD
New spot: Third
Old spot: Manager, Bradenton Pirates (Gulf Coast Rookie League)

With Joe Randa injured, the Pirates are in desperate need of a middle-aged holdover from the 1997 season. It's a bit unclear how well Ward will perform at the plate, but after they rebuild the right field fence out of drywall, he'll be able to smash through it routinely. Now that's good baseball!



STATUE OF WILLIE STARGELL
New spot: Cleanup
Old spot: Outside PNC Park

The sight of Stargell majestically standing in at the plate should be inspiring to the other hitters. Also we'll finally have that hitter who can display some patience, and he's got to have some power due to his size. On the minus side, he is made of bronze. I say give him a chance.



IMAGINARY CHRIS SHELTON
New spot: Fifth
Old Spot: Detroit Tigers

Here we need to take a page from the playbook of another late great Pittsburgher, specifically Mr. Rogers. Using our imaginations, let's all play pretend that the management didn't lose Chris Shelton to the Rule Five Draft three years ago.

Can you imagine Chris Shelton batting now? Can you think of the way he looks holding his bat? Can you picture him holding his bat, in your mind? Now let's pretend that he just made an extra base hit with runners on base late in the game. Did you see him make the hit? I'm proud of you, I knew you could do it.



OLIVER ONION
New spot: Sixth
Old spot: Pierogi race

Oliver Onion isn't a big statistical improvement here, but his failures at the plate will be wackier and amusingly narrated in the stadium by a guy with a comical Pittsburgh accent:

"Nah it's Olivirr Onion's tirrn ta bat!... Aw no! Where izzy!?... What's he dew-in up on tha Doo-quesne Incline!?... Nah he's runnin' across tha Strip District!..."



PLATOON: CHEESE CHESTER (vs. left-handers), JEROMY BURNITZ (vs. right-handers)
New spot: Seventh
Old spot: Pierogi race/fifth

"Aw no, what's Cheese Chester dew-in chasin' that awff-speed pitch way ahtside tha strike zone!?... Naw wait, that's Birr-nitz."



JOSE CASTILLO
New spot: Eighth
Old spot: Eighth

Don't get me wrong: I think Jose Castillo has, really, some great potential. Could be a twenty, twenty-five home run a year guy someday. Some day. Maybe until that day, we'll leave him batting eighth? Good?


So, there you have it. If they keep losing, don't blame me.