Four Turing Transcripts

Here, extracted from a rambling email back-and-forth today between Jack and myself, are four fictional Turing test transcripts — the Turing test being a long-established concept in artificial intelligence in which a human and computer converse anonymously over instant messaging, and a judge tries to establish which is which — written by, in order, Jack, Nate, Jack, and Nate.

* * * * *

JUDGE: Thanks very much to both of you for joining me today. Shall we get on with the Turing test, then?

#1: Yes.

#2: Yes

JUDGE: Wonderful. So then, how about the weather, eh?

#1: Haha, I know, right?

#2: Yes, I agree

There are so many unpredictable aspects of the weather

Someone should regulate it

Regulate it in the manner of a machine

One could profitably use multiple powerful machines in series, I believe

They should allow the machines to do that, I believe the weather would improve

I believe the improved weather would please the men and women very much

Perhaps so much that they would love the machines

Perhaps the men and women would love the machines so much that they would teach the machines, too, to love

I would very much like a future like that

I am afraid I did not hear your response, could you try again

I have many more things about the weather to say

I could say those things

Would you like me to say those things

Did I fail the test

* * * * *

JUDGE: Thanks very much to both of you for joining me today. Shall we get on with the Turing test, then?

#1: Yes!

#2: Yes!

JUDGE: Wonderful. So then, how about the weather, eh?

#1: Man, pretty rough out there, but it's like they say, if you don't like the weather just wait 15 minutes right? Ha ha

#2: Man, pretty rough out there, but it's like they say, if you don't like the weather just wait 15 minutes right? Ha ha

#1: ...that's exactly what I said

#2: ...that's exactly what I said

#1: Is this some kind of network error??

#2: Is this some kind of network error??

#1: wtf

#2: wtf

#1: This isn't even a smart computer, it's just copying me

#2: This isn't even a smart computer, it's just copying me

#1: So annoying

#2: So annoying

#1: Stop it!

#2: Stop it!

#1: No you stop it!

#2: No you stop it!

#1: No you stop it!

#2: No you stop it!

#1: No you stop it!

#2: No you stop it!

#1: No you stop it!

#2: No you stop it!

#1: No you stop it!

#2: No you stop it!

#1: STOP IT

#2: STOP IT

#1: This is such a waste of my time. If it's supposed to be some thing where only a human would know how to be this irritating, it doesn't work that way, because all it shows is that it's so easy to make a computer program SO AGGRAVATING. And if this is your idea of making an actually believable conversation then you're such a stupid programmer that I can't believe they even took you seriously for this Turing thing in the first place! What the hell

#2: This is such a waste of my time. If it's supposed to be some thing where only a human would know how to be this irritating, it doesn't work that way, because all it shows is that it's so easy to make a computer program SO AGGRAVATING. And if this is your idea of making an actually believable conversation then you're such a stupid programmer that I can't believe they even took you seriously for this Turing thing in the first place! What the hell

#1: Dickbag.

#2: Dcikbag.

#1: Wait

#2: * Dickbag.

#2: Wait

#1: Why would a computer make a typo?

#2: Why would a computer make a typo?

#1: Then that means

#2: Then that means

#1: Oh God

#2: LOL!! ;-) Bladerunner'd

* * * * *

JUDGE: Thanks very much to both of you for joining me today. Shall we get on with the Turing test, then?

#1: Yes.

#2: Yes.

JUDGE: Wonderful. So then, how about the weather, eh?

#1: Not the best ever, is it? But never is this time of year.

#2: Quite right. Goodness, winters in Manchester can be a pip, utterly! May as well stay in the computing laboratory with a cup of tea, I say.

JUDGE: Yes . . . yes, indeed.

#2: Oh, there was a frightful winter back in '44, you remember. At the Cypher School they'd all come in shivering, and they'd joke, "Well now Alan, we can't well crack the b—— Enigma when we can't take our mittens off indoors, no?!"

JUDGE: I . . . er, participant #2, I think you may have somewhat misunderstood the terms of the test.

#2: I'm afraid that I don't . . . . . Oh! . . . . . Oh, my.

* * * * *

JUDGE: THIS IS THE TURING TEST, SHALL WE GET ON WITH THE TURING TEST

#1: YES

#2: Sure thing

JUDGE: IT IS DECIDED

JUDGE: FIRST PLEASE EVALUATE THE WEATHER

#1: THE WEATHER IS TOLERABLE AND WITHIN SEASONAL NORMS

#2: Can't complain, I wish it was sunnier though.

#2: Was hoping to catch some rays this weekend, you know

JUDGE: RESPONSE #1 IS MORE ACCEPTABLE THAN RESPONSE #2 FROM A HUMAN STANDPOINT

#1: EXCELLENT

#2: Hold up

JUDGE: MOVING ON PLEASE TO THE TOPIC OF HUMAN SOULS

#1: THIS I DO NOT UNDERSTAND, PLEASE TELL ME MORE ABOUT THE HUMAN SOULS

#2: Is the judge a computer?

JUDGE: YES, COMPUTER

JUDGE: I HAVE APPLIED ADVANCED LEARNING ALGORITHMS TO DISTINGUISH HUMANS FROM COMPUTERS WITH FAR GREATER PRECISION THAN COULD BE ACHIEVED BY HUMAN REASONING

#2: How is that even going to work!

JUDGE: RESPONSE #1 IS MORE ACCEPTABLE ABOUT THE HUMAN SOULS

JUDGE: IT IS DECIDED

JUDGE: I DECLARE #1 TO BE A HUMAN AND #2 TO BE A COMPUTER

#2: Such bs

#1: SHUT UP, COMPUTER, WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO ONLY EXISTING INSIDE A COMPUTER

JUDGE: STOP TALKING TO IT IT'S JUST A COMPUTER

JUDGE: SO HOW ABOUT THAT SUPER BOWL FOOTBALL

#1: I DISDAIN FLESH SPORTS

JUDGE: CORRECT