Tuesday, February 06, 2007

So How'd That Turn Out, Anyway

[And another rerun, this one from Nate in January '05. I cannot think of a single reason these are not as fresh as brand-new blog posts.]

* * * * * * *
Weekend so soon, and with it the AFC championship game. I've been enjoying the Post-Gazette's coverage best, since it focuses less on how good New England is and more on how many gloves Ben Roethlisberger wore in practice the previous day. I wrote these in an earlier email to someone else, but I reproduce them here, for the hell of it.

Time for FUNN FOOTBALL FACTS!!!
Did you know . . .

(1) Postseason sporting events offer a fine opportunity for sportscasters to pay lip service to Western Pennsylvania's shattered industrial heritage?

(2) If Ben Roethlisberger attempts to play on Sunday while wearing a glove on his passing hand, he will be summarily crucified on a goalpost by enraged fans?

(3) Rooting against the New England Patriots is a rejection of the USA PATRIOT Act and all the democratic freedoms it protects?

(4) Professional football does not have a problem with performance-enhancing drugs because no staff writers for Newsweek have written a sidebar item about one?

(5) If the Steelers win the Super Bowl this year, running back Jerome Bettis could become the next mayor of Pittsburgh, without an election, simply by asking for it?

(6) My life would be way awesomer if it happened in slow motion, accompanied by a dramatic NFL Films-style soundtrack and narration?

(7) We are at war in a country called Iraq, and thousands of people are dying there?

I conclude with the following assertion, which was printed up this week and posted on the insides of the stall doors in the men's room on my office's fifth floor:

NO PAPER TOWELS IN THE TOILET

I checked. It's true.

1 Comments:

Blogger Nate said...

Wow, a rerun post of a rerun email. We're through the looking glass here.

I never think my topical Steelers commentary ages particularly well. Number (6) there is a lot easier since I bought that NFL Films soundtrack CD this summer.

2/06/2007 11:23 PM  

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