Seasonal Affective Disorder: A Guide

Did You Know? Seasonal Affective Disorder is a scienticially proven mental condition that strikes more than 1 in several Americans every winter. Adhere to these handy consumer suggestions to ensure that you don't inexorably sink into a gray interior landscape of despair!


● Therapeutic Light Box
Pro: Provides full-spectrum light to compensate for missing sunshine
Con: Known to cause Spending Two or Three Hundred Dollars on a Lamp Affective Disorder
Recommended? No


● Repainting Household in Warmth-Inducing Color Scheme
Pro: Warm colors known to sometimes "fool" the brain into being happy
Con: Current color of walls probably already pretty good, yet obviously not working
Recommended? No



● Football
Pro: Weekly ritual of watching television provides suprisingly robust illusions of importance, pride, manhood
Con: Season doomed to end in disappointment due to weak offensive line, shoddy special teams play
Recommended? No



● Alcohol
Pro: Accessible
Con: Overuse can reduce liver function, ability to project oneself as respectable human being
Recommended? No



● Embracing Depression as Aspect of Literary Persona
Pro: Lends emotional relevance to poetry, drama, short fiction
Con: Generally necessitates overuse of alcohol (see above)
Recommended? No



● Global Warming
Pro: Effective, long-lasting increase in outside temperature
Con: Some probability of eco-apocalyptic nightmare scenario
Recommended? Moot




● True Love
Pro: Will inspire rich feelings of shared happiness at any time of year
Con: Exists only as cruel illusion, pursued by young idiots unaware of chasm of bitterness lurking in heart of every man and woman
Recommended? n/a



● Attempts at Humor
Pro: Diverting
Con: Generally not adequate to the task at hand
Recommended? Whatever