Needs More Corn Syrup

A proposal for additional TV commercials endorsing Corn Syrup.

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SCENE: kitchen. DIVORCED MOM is chopping vegetables as her two kids, a BOY and GIRL, enter, eating fistfuls of caramel popcorn.

MOM: Welcome home, kids! . . . Wait, has your father been giving you snacks with high fructose corn syrup in them again!?

GIRL: Shut up, Mom! We like Daddy's snacks!

BOY: Yeah, we want to live with Daddy!

[MOM keeps brave face, but eyes well up]

Corn Logo appears at bottom of screen, along with tagline: "Corn Syrup keeps families together!"

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SCENE: park. A young, attractive BOYFRIEND and GIRLFRIEND sit on a picnic blanket, laughing and eating popsicles.

BOYFRIEND: [laughing] I can't even remember why I used to not eat popsicles!

GIRLFRIEND: [also laughing] And the all-natural corn syrup in them makes our lovemaking so much more frequent and mutually pleasurable!

Corn Logo appears with tagline: "Corn Syrup for a better life!"

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SCENE: company picnic. TWO MEN sit at a picnic table, the first of them holding a clear plastic gallon jug of electric-blue drink product.

FIRST MAN: [admires jug] Mmm-mm. You know, I want you to tell me one good reason why corn syrup is worse than regular sugar.

SECOND MAN: Well, there are actually a number of nutritional and economic factors, but they're complex and not easily reduced to . . .

FIRST MAN: Too late! [starts drinking directly from jug]

Corn Logo, and tagline: "Mmmm! Tasty!"

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SCENE: basketball court. Famous NBA all-star RAYSHAWN DRAMES is wearing a sweatsuit and headband, holding a large sports-drink bottle. He is surrounded by a group of somewhat skeptical-looking children.

DRAMES: Kids--take it from me, famous NBA all-star Rayshawn Drames. Sports drinks fortified with corn syrup give you the energy it takes to "play it smart"!

ONE KID: [hesitantly] What team did you say you were on again, Mr. Drames?

DRAMES: Look, just drink the corn syrup.

Corn Logo, and tagline: "Consuming Corn Syrup is a 'slam dunk'!"

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SCENE: cave. Grainy original video footage shows OSAMA BIN LADEN addressing the camera in Arabic. English translation appears at bottom of screen as the video progresses.

TRANSLATION: And soon, by the power of Allah . . . the infidel will be forced to abandon the supreme sweetness of corn syrup. . . . It is the worst of their hated "freedoms." . . . Nothing will embolden the true jihadist more than the Great Satan turning away from this legitimately wholesome food product.

Corn Logo, and tagline: "What's it gonna be, America?"