Classical Music Will Make Your Stupid Baby Smart

Nate's hit upon a totally viable marketing catchphrase just now, but, as always, I can tell it's going to take me to realize the sheer profitability of the thing.

Now I'm not guaranteeing anything to prospective investors here, but I will say I've got a stronger-than-usual suspicion that, provided 75 minutes of studio time with a classically trained pianist and $80,000 to cover startup costs, I can come up with something big, baby. Big baby big.

May I present to you, on one digitally rendered all-compact disc,

Featuring:

• 75 minutes of actual classical music performed by acclaimed pianist to be determined later
  
• Enhance your baby's mathemalogical mind!
  
• Learn the true composers' parenting secrets that invariably made composers' children more successful than they were!
  
• Not a knockoff of similar pre-existing products!
  
• Mozart and stuff!

Play it once a day before your baby even knows better, and before you'll know it you'll have a wunderkind on your hands, sitting pretty on their way to exclusive kindergarten and day school and inheriting Daddy's toniest club memberships.

I'm serious here, people. I'm seeing lots of little dollar signs, dancing around a musical staff, connected with little eighth-note beams. You all know where to reach me.