I Actually Only Watched the Last Four Innings of All This

Highlights of the Red Sox World Series victory celebrations:

● League headquarters arranges $4500 restoration of championship trophy, which emerges from on-field celebration badly dented and caked with pine tar

● Disney World forced to cancel "What are you going to do next?" TV commercial after Jonathan Papelbon unexpectedly replies "I'm getting fucked up on aerosol cans and joining the Country Bear Jamboree"

● In consolation phone call, agent Scott Boras reassures moping Johnny Damon that he's "still the prettiest"

● Unprecedented victory relieves long-suffering Boston fans under the age of 3

● Manny Ramirez begins intense mental preparation for 2008 season with Monday morning workout and batting-cage session

● Twenty-pound crate of unsorted used toe socks shipped to Hall of Fame officials in Cooperstown

● To celebrate Boston's total sporting dominance, six captive Washington Redskins defensemen are conveyed overland from Foxboro and installed in Boston Common pillories for the public amusement

● Bunch of college kids drink a lot, throw up